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About Me

Thailand is not a routine destination for Americans and I encountered few countrymen while I was there. To me, Thailand was exotic and new, fresh and undiscovered. I was 33 years old and still am an American woman. I went to Koh Phangan in for the October version of the full moon party. Having heard much about the party mostly since my arrival in Bangkok I was anxious to view it for myself.

Recently divorced, I was ready to cut loose and party hardy. Initially my attraction to Thai men was non-existent. Their skinny, sinewy bodies seemed too delicate for my taste. I preferred the taller, fuller men of European descent, with hair on their chests and muscles on their arms.

See a problem?

However, by the time of the November party, my attitude had come around to include the smiling brown men I saw every day. A short time on Phangan translates to a long time state of mind. My demeanor was such that I was now the old pro who lorded it over the newbie travellers because I had a little more information than they. With one party behind me and another approaching I was beach royalty. So many new farangs showed up unceasingly that I grew bored with having the same conversation every day.

How long have you been in Thailand? Thais come from all over the countryside to work in the holiday hot spots of Thailand. Thai men bar boys started looking better and better as I was looking at them in a new light.

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Did you boy that the beach bar boys make only about baht per night? It's no wonder there are so many fights. Here are the bar boys, barely out of adolescence, working their asses off night and day for a pittance and here are the farang thais, same age, with money to burn and partying like crazy and the only difference is by virtue of birthplace. Add in a few drinks on both sides and a dash of raging hormones and the next thing you bar is a knife fight or a shooting.

One bar boy told me that sometimes a farang guy would ask for booze by name and then sip it appreciatively and all the while the bar guy knew that it was the same stupid rotgut whisky. Smiling serenely, as Thais do. So I had my first encounter with a Thai guy in early November,between full moon parties. Top had multiple tattoos, a chin piercing, a shaggy purple mohawk, a motorcycle, the works.

The Thai mafia is real. I do know that the mafia on Haad Rin run the drugs, the guns, everything. I was traveling and trying to shed my workaday image, and make sense of my life.

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I was in the mood for an adventure. So…I invited him back to my bungalow, and over a few days I thought boy developed a 'relationship' but it really only entailed my giving him money first just for bar, later it became more and him lying to me.

Bar boys, they creep into your bungalow at night and creep out at dawn to go back to work or go home to their girlfriends. They further refused to be seen with me on the beach, eating in restaurants around town or anything other than out at night. They didn't want to hold hands in public. But I was enamored. Despite how this sounds, I'm not as dumb as a post. I mean, there were extenuating circumstances for a lot of my actions.

For example, Top took me to his home in Tong Sala and I met his family. The next week, his mom died. So I knew his family needed thai. I went to the funeral are you kidding me? Another example of what I thought were special circumstances happened two days later as we were riding on his motorcycle my favorite activity as it gave me a chance to show off.

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At that point I didn't know that motorbike repairs don't cost 20, THB — but I found out what does cost that much when we broke up. First, a little background. On full moon party night, Top was working at a beach bar in front of Paradise Bungalows.

Thai bar girls and little boy - stock photo

It was one of the hastily erected drink stands that go up each month and come down the very next day. Apparently working in the bar was a bit of a promotion and it enabled Top to posture and preen and drink and give away free drinks to his friends. Power, you know? Meanwhile, I was bored with the party, bored with the partiers.

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Having a Thai boyfriend during the parties sucks as they are super-jealous and you cannot so much as dance with another man, while your bar boy is working all night long and you are left by yourself. I immediately confronted him — probably embarrassing him as raised voices are frowned upon in Thai culture. Eventually I got tired of the scene and I walked away to cool down. Upon my return, half an hour later, he was again kissing the same girl! Just then the skies opened and it started to pour rain on the party. Everyone in the vicinity, including Top and the girl, ran for cover at the Paradise restaurant.

A day or so later I dropped off some things he had left in my bungalow like his bong.

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Top took the 20, baht I gave him and bought a gun. Guns are outlawed in Thailand, which means that only outlaws have them. Whatever, I was stupid. I am used to relationships that move along quickly and I share what I have with my partner and likewise.

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But this was Thailand and I had more money than I usually do, having recently sold my house. Sometimes you have to take a step back to see how ridiculous you look to others and I was nowhere near that point of self-reflection. We returned to the island and I d partying. I thought I had come to know him a little bit from visits to the bar. On my first night back from Bangkok, Paow gave me a rose.

He didn't have a gun. I eventually got to know this routine. The way it worked was that Paow would charm me each night, then tell me to meet him in the upstairs part of the bar in five minutes. It took me a while to figure this one out, but this was a precaution so he wouldn't be seen going upstairs with girls.

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It worked both ways. If we were going back to my bungalow, he would start walking and I was supposed to catch up to him.

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What made me so desperate as to put up with this crap? I don't know. Lonely I guess.

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More money than brains at the time. I thought I checked him out enough.

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I borrowed a pair of binoculars from my father and crept around to the boulders on the end of the beach one night. I spied on Paow to see if he was flirting with anyone. I would also show up at the bar at odd hours of the night, and creep around the outside of the crowd for a few minutes to see if he was chatting up other girls. He never was. So I thought I had found true love. Later, I even asked around but only one person told me anything about him — that Paow had a baby.