Hello, I am going to be marrying a woman in Brazil next month. I am an American man.
I am 37 and she is five years younger than me. I have known her for about one year now. Recently, we were talking about our past relationships and she told me that her first boyfriend was when she was 17 years old. He was She says that she started having sex with him when she turned She kept saying that he was a good man and that it was her choice to be with him.
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Also that the society in which she lived in Brazil accepted the relationship and her own mother was ok with it also. Her relationship with this man, 18 years older than her, lasted about five years and then he moved to another city. Then she found another boyfriend who was approx ten years older than her. As you all can imagine, as an American man, I was very disturbed by this information. This really changed my image of her and the society from where she is from. Having lived in the U. It seems like, in Brazil this is common. It is accepted and nobody says or does anything about it.
Sometimes it seems, that it is actually even preferred. Here in the U. I became very angry and disgusted when she told me this about her past. I do not see how a 35 year old man has anything in common with a 17 year old girl. He only wanted sex and that shows he is someone who has no morals, ethics or character. But then she tried to explain that he was a good influence on her. That while other boys her age were only interested in playing soccer and talking about stupid things, he was already working as a lawyer and helped her go to law school also.
She later graduated and is now working as a lawyer in Brazil. My question is: what should I do, this is situation? How to I deal with this? Obviously, I would like to marry her, because I am in love with her. But I am worried, because, if we marry and we have a daughter. When our daughter is 17 and wants to do the same thing as her mother, I would be dead against it.
For example, if a 35 year old man came to my house to take my 17 year old daughter out on a date, I would immediately grab my cell phone and call the police.
Because I know his intentions are only to have sex with her. I would be outraged. I know these are strong cultural differences between people in Brazil and people here in the U. I try not to be harsh, or overly judgmental, but it seems that Brazilian men are predators, in a society that accepts it. It seems like an uncivilized society. Please give me your opinions and thoughts about how to deal with this. Please offer some advice, thank you so much.
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Confused in USA. Dear Confused, I feel for you. In my case, my daughter is 15 going to 16 and is sexually active.
I have the same worries as you. But let me ask you, would you live in Brazil or USA? In Europe people are more liberal regarding underage sex, but it is normal for kids here to only interrelate to people of their own age. So, it will be difficult to find a couple among a teen and an adult besides that the same as in USA, it is illegal here.
Furthermore, relations among older men and young women are rear. Normally people in Europe after 18 they stick to their own age groups. Some exceptions I think, are among Russian and Polish girls who will go with older men An explanation for this will be as a way to escape from their circumstances. I comprehend your disgust when we are talking about a 17 year old girl. But, would you have the same problem when the girl turns 18?
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My suggestion will be to be more open and understanding about the whole thing. In my opinion, is more productive to realize the futility of trying to apply our moral to everyone. Also, you seem to be worry about something that may or may not happen in the future Your daughter 17, wanting to date a 35 year old man???? First of all, the age hang-up you express is not part of the Brazilian culture. You seem to forget that this woman was not born on the moment you met her and she is notshe is now 32 years old.
She has a past, as do you. It is just that You too have a past, is it spotless? If it is you have my congratulations.
To answer your question, yes it is quite common here to find couples where there is a large age difference, both those where the man is older than the woman and where the woman is older than the man. You can't impose your rather old fashioned standards on others, especially here in Brazil. I say old fashioned because alhough I was born and raised in Canada and we are a conservative people we don't seem to have quite the profound age prejudice you seem to have.
I did not come to Brazil ten years ago with any preconceived notions and soon saw and accepted the fact that age was really not an issue here when dealing with adults. The age of consent here is 16 so she was not a baby when she met the man.
I am 63 years of age, my wife is a wonderful 26 years old black woman Nobody here thinks it strange. Even my mother-in-law is considerably younger than I she's only 48 and she has been the strongest supporter of our relationship from the outset. My now adult children in Canada, all of whom but the youngest, are older than my present wife also had no problems accepting our age difference.
You ask how to deal with this "problem" It is not a problem for anyone but you. What you should do to deal with it is to examine your own prejudices and overcome them.
Deal with the fact that this woman is now an adult and that she had a separate existance before you came along and will continue to do so whether you and she ultimately get together or not. If you plan on living here in Brazil you need to get a real dose of reality and accept the fact that you are not in your own little corner of the world anymore, lighten up and accept the way things are here in Brazil.
Otherwise you will be letting yourself into a lot of unnecessary headaches of your own making. Oh, and yes Deal with it! It's neither a culture nor a lifestyle.
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It is also not something that you should truly be worried about. As James says, it's her past and we all have our pasts. I believe that Brazilians like any other nationality have their own unique ways of going through life and in order to truly understand the person, it's important that you understand where they come from.
Every family is different and like in the states, it all depends on the family background and where they come from. Worrying about your future child is a bridge that you will cross when you come to it Growing up, I dated men who were much older to me, in fact, it was a preference that I made but that doesn't make me any less than those who dated younger men, in fact dating these older men thought me much about life and making decisions in life and being an adult, if anything, it only opened up my eyes and made me who I am today But I truly suggest you spending time here in Brazil getting to know the people and the community in which she grew up in.
I'm still learning a lot about my husband and I've visited his family living outside the cities and life is so different, it's opened up my eyes and helped me understand my husband better. Good luck and trying looking at the glass as half full instead of half empty.
Before there is a flood of posts about my situation, that I'm probably a rich old man and that's what my marriage is based on let me make it clear right now.
I am FAR from being wealthy, I work hard for a living just to get by. My wife and her family saw in me a man of character, educated, cultured and with ambition that could provide a stable future for her and our child Thank you all for replying to my original post. I know what you are all saying, that everyone has a past. Yes, I also have a past, and I had relationships before her.
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But my ex girlfriends were 1 or 2 years younger than me. I think it is something I have to accept and move on. I had a detailed conversation with her today and I apologized to her. I said to her, that the age difference 35 year old man with a 17 year old girl does bother me.